Yesterday was not a good day! In fact I’m still trying to come to terms with it all. What started out as an average mid-week day, ended in tears, tantrums and mayhem…. and that was just Mum.
We always go for a walk around midday when Mum’s not at work. She usually takes me first and Ellie second. Apparently the only time she took us together we nearly ripped her arms out of their sockets. I like it when it’s just me and Mum though. Ellie always creates merry hell when I put my lead on, lying on the floor making grotesque gurgling sounds as though someone is butchering her with a blunt spoon. No one takes any notice really. So Mum and I left the house after trying to explain to Ellie she was going next, and finally giving up. We took a lovely walk around the block and headed back home for Ellie’s turn. Now usually when we walk into the hallway Ellie bounds out of the lounge to greet us….but not yesterday. All was quiet and still! Mum took my lead off and walking into the lounge. She saw it before I did, and clapped her hand over her mouth to supress the scream that had just emitted. When I walked in I had to lean against the bookcase just to stop myself from fainting. Mum and I looked at the floor in the lounge at the same time and then she looked at me….”oh Jay” she said, and put her hand on my head. There were no words to ease the pain, and she knew that. I tried to keep calm, but the anger and sadness rushed forwards all at once. I opened my mouth and howled as loud as I could. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MR FRIMBLES!!!!!” It didn’t take a genius to see what had happened to him. Ellie was sitting in the corner of the room with his left arm swinging from her mouth. Her head and face covered in his furry white innards. Mr Frimbles, my favorite rope toy whom I’ve had for nearly two years. He had survived being tumbled dried on a high heat setting, losing his footing in the car on a roundabout last summer and being hurled from the window at 30mph and being the unfortunate victim of a less than pleasant bottom incident when I picked up a stomach bug.
But now here he was. Well I say here…a better term would be here, there and everywhere. HIs head was wedged under the sofa, the arm that wasn’t in Ellie’s mouth was hanging next to a pair of knickers on the washing stand and I can’t even contemplate how both of his legs ended up on the book shelf crossed at the ankles with no body to hold them up. HIs innards were strewn across the lounge floor like a blanket of snow and over in the corner was the obvious culprit. Wagging her tail and and Mr Frimbles’s arm in unison. I was nearly sick when she brought over Mr Frimbles arm and tried to get me to play tug of war with me. Mum says that she didn’t mean any harm and she doesn’t really understand what she’s done wrong. I tried to explain it to her but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her. Mum picked up all of the limbs and bits she could find. There were still some parts we couldn’t find. It was only today after tea that one of Mr Frimbles eyes turned up after Ellie had gone to the toilet.
Mum could see how upset I was so we had a little ceremony today. We dug a hole in the back garden and put all of Mr Frimbles’s parts into it. Then we covered him over with soil. Mum said I had to forgive Ellie cause she is still a puppy and still learning. I have played with her a bit today but have put all of my toys in my crate and shut the door. I was starting to feel a bit better this evening until I went for a wee in the garden and saw a giant Jackdaw trying to wedge Mr Frimbles’s head into the hole in the roof next door. I had no idea that birds dug things up out of the soil?
Mum says she will buy Ellie some tough toys so she can’t break mine. I suggested getting a six foot rottweiler to play with …but we’ll see. Tomorrow will be a better day!!
A tired Jay
“Why are you chasing your tail?”……do you even know how many times they’ve asked me that question? How the hell am I supposed to know why I do it. I’m a dog, dogs chase their tails…so I chase…round and round and round. The weirdest thing is, when they ask me a question and then answer as though they are me….always in that same “scooby doo” type voice. I wonder why they think all dogs talk like scooby doo? So anyway, I’ve had a lazy day today…it’s way too hot to bound around endlessly, unless your two sandwiches short of a picnic (mentioning no names…ELLIE!!!). Mum made her usual side splitting comment “Are you hot Jay…..why don’t you take your coat off?”…..ohhh the humor…..how my ribs ache!!!
I guess I could have gone into the pool today…the weather being hot and all, but then I am a dog and it is a childs blow up paddling pool!!! I kid you not. Mum came home on Sunday with a huge grin on her face. “Look what I’ve bought for you”. Nothing that involves a bicycle pump and the garden hose can be good! Ellie instantly gets herself into a Tazmanian Devil type state (oh for a housemate with more than 2 brain cells!)…. so I sit in the shade and watch as Mum blows it up and fills it with freezing cold water. Then, believe it or not, she actually tries to entice Me and Ellie to get in the thing. Tumbleweeds blowing around the garden were similar to my expression. Never one to quit, she then submersed all of our toys in the middle of the pool and sat back on the wall with a satisfied smile on her face. Now I love my toys, but I was not about to wade through cold water (with my coat on!) just to get them. Especially when my wonderful friend Ellie was so keen to dive in! How Mum could say I pushed her is a mystery to me….I always walk backwards without looking where I’m going, it’s a Border Collie thing…ask any dog!
I’ve posted a couple of pictures of Ellie at the bottom of this blog, so that you can put a face to the name. Mum says she’s a chocolate Border Collie. I’m less convinced. Border Collies are known for their intelligence and focused co-ordination. Now I can catch a ball thrown from 500 yards. Ellie’s completely forgotten anyone even has the ball by the time Mum gets 500 yards away. I know that the bars on the back gate are a tight fit. If Ellie’s head isn’t stuck through them at least 3 times a week it’s a miracle. I know that when I walk past a mirror an identical dog to me isn’t hiding behind it…enough said. But seriously, she is my friend and most of the time we get along fine!
Signing out – Lazy Day Jay!
Well I’m back from my first agility class…….how much fun was that. I had a total blast. Mum didn’t seem to enjoy it quite as much as me. She resembled a freshly cooked lobster by the time we’d finished! A couple of the other dogs there were newbies like me, a few seemed to grasp the general idea straight away but I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I mean, it was absolutely fabulous, but completely pointless all at the same time. I can’t ever see a day when I will need to walk across a moving see-saw in a calm and controlled manner or jump through a rubber tyre 2 feet off the ground…but hey, who am I to argue!
There was of course the usual teachers pet (pun intended)! A smart ass Yorkshire Terrier who has obviously been to many agility classes and still insists on attending all beginner classes just to show off. She was slightly less cocky after the anti-social Jack Russell tried to rip her head off….. Mum refused to let me off the lead for some reason! but I’ll work on her by next Monday’s lesson…..what’s the worst that could happen?
So anyway…back to my not so leisurely Friday night solo stroll. I finally managed to detach the demented swan from my butt with some savvy tail chasing and decided that I’d had quite enough adventure for one evening. My good intention to head back home and sneak in unnoticed was somewhat thwarted by my distinct lack of tracking abilities. Before I knew it I was stranded in the middle of a field surrounded by a million killer sheep……..okay so a million may be a bit of an exaggeration, but they were definately killer sheep! The type that carry shovels and pick axes discretely hidden under their woolly exteriors. My fear of sheep is unmatched, especially in the breed of being a Border Collie (we are known universally as Sheep Dogs!). Needless to say I panicked……they were most definately bleating something that resembled “Baaa Baaa Q” “Baaa Baaa Q”. I had to think on my feet, which is not easy when fear sets in. Then I had an idea, I’d seen it once on a film Mum watched. The one where that pig talks to the sheep and they do exactly what he says. Now if a pig can do it….I’m a dead cert. I stared the leader straight in the eye (he only had one!) and said “Baa Ram Ewe……Baa Ram Ewe”…… and you won’t believe this but it actually worked. With a look of horror in their eyes they started to back off, some even turned and ran. I was home free….saved by that pig in the film. That’s when I felt a blast of hot, stinking breath rush past me. I heard him before I saw him…..the biggest, ugliest, smelliest Bull you have ever seen. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever run that quick…..sod getting home, I just wanted to escape with my life. I didn’t look back, I just ran.
I tell you…some of tonights agility would have been highly useful last Friday…..and would you believe it I ran around the corner and there she was in the distance. I’d found my Mum! The scene was like something from a B rated love film where the 2 people run in slow motion towards each other….me bounding and shouting…Mum running and waving, tears streaming down her face and the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Well, it started off as a smile…but as we got closer her face slowly contorted into that of a wild eyed maniac. Now I know that she was just beyond relieved to have found me…apparently I’d been gone for over 3 hours…who Knew. She hugged me so tightly….a little to tightly to be honest. But I was found….I never really knew that I was lost.
So there you have it……solo walking is not all it’s cracked up to be. However, once the initial relieved anger subsides you don’t half get given some great toys……..I say great with the exception of the new paddling pool!!!…….do you really want to know?
Signing out for tonight
An agilitized Jay
Just a quick blog whilst they are eating tea…
I’ve been signed up for agility classes starting tonight! What the hell are agility classes?
Apparently my spates of tearing around the house and boucing off the sofa have not been looked kindly upon. Fortunately for her, Ellie is to young to go to “agility”. Something about not being able to jump too much when you’re young! Good job no one has seen her skydiving off the dining room table when they leave the room! ……so anyway, I will try and get on later to let you know how “agility” went and to continue where I left off on my last blog about Friday evenings antics. I’m going to lie in my bed and sulk (sometimes that gets me out of doing things I don’t like). Incidentaly, my bed is a big round furry thing covered in pictures of paw prints!!! How come humans don’t lounge around on large sofas covered in pictures of human feet!……just a thought
On my way to agility Jay!!!
It’s Sunday night and all is well in the world…..the calm after the storm you might say! Chaos reigned for no less than 48 hours, but the tears have stopped (thank God!), the panic’s over and I’m back up there in the good books again. I mean, it wasn’t actually my fault at all! How was I to know it would cause such a commotion? So I went out for a walk by myself…big deal. It’s not exactly show stopping news now is it? A little me time, to take in the sights without Ellie shouting down my ear or having to stop and talk to people every ten minutes. Okay, I’ll admit maybe I should have mentioned to someone that I was going. It’s just that the gap in the front door was like an open invitation to me…kind of like when someone throws a ball across a field and an instinctive urge comes over you to chase it….I’m really not to blame here!
So anyway….It all happened on Friday night just after 6.00pm. I popped out the front door and took a left at the alleyway, heading down towards the side street. I did feel a bit mean walking past that odd looking black dog who always has his nose and left eye poking out from under the gate. I don’t think he gets out too much. Him and Ellie usually have a screaming match every time they see each other, but he just looked a bit forlorn as I sauntered past. Needless to say I didn’t stop to chat!
Now I should mention that at this point, I did sort of hear my Mum shouting my name from the house. I say shouted! It was actually more of a pitiful wail like someone torturing a hyena with a blunt spoon! But in my defence, she does have a tendancy to over react slightly. Like the time we went for a “family” walk in the woods. Now I could tell we were going up hill at a considerable rate, but no one listens to me when I try to explain. It’s always “be quiet Jay” or “shhh, I’m trying to think Jay”…..well don’t mind me, think away! Less than an hour later we were perched on the top of a hill with a sheer drop down one side and a shed load of bushes down the other. Oh yes…..they listen when they need me! “Get us down the hill Jay”, “I’ll sit on my ass and slide down while you go ahead and tackle the brambles”…gee great thinking!
Anyway..back to my evening stroll. The smell of chips urged me on so I headed towards the chip shop. I glanced back just before turning the corner. Mum must have seen me, cause she was flailing her arms about like a demonic scarecrow. Who knew she could run so fast? We sometimes play a game on the beach where I run ahead and she chases me, so naturally I took that assumption…. Game On! I bolted in the opposite direction with the full force of the wind behind me (probably caused by the beef in gravy dinner!). I zoomed passed 2 fields full of sheep. Very suspicious looking sheep I might add. I have a deep rooted sheep phobia. Highly unusual I know, but there it is. I headed down towards the bicycle track that goes across the esturay. I’ve always wanted to go down that grassy bank and onto the sand when the tides out. It absolutely full of seagulls and swans. I’m not usually allowed, but Mum was no where to be seen at this point so I thought “a quick look won’t hurt”. Wow, those birds are nasty. Now I’m quite a friendly chap and I meant no harm, I just wanted to see them up close. I walked across to a flock of them and smiled. I find it quite difficult to smile without my teeth showing, It looks more like a sinister toothy grin and I think that’s how the birds must have taken it. The next minute I’ve got one of them attached to my butt by its beak, two others flapping ferociously by my head and a third actually spitting at me. How rude! It actually seemed like quite an adventure up until that moment. But the worst was yet to come.
I’ll blog when I can but for now my Mum’s on her way home and she’s not too keen on me being near the computer. Dirty paws and all that!
What a dogs life….and I should know – I am one!!!