Guide to maximizing your owners “holiday”


Mum is planning a holiday. The reason I know this is because she has started her usual routine of trying to convince me that I too and going on my holidays….to the kennel (yeah right!!!) In light of this I have decided to outline some key tactics and methods for making the most of those holiday blues. Whether you get shipped off to the kennels or cattery, or are less fortunate and get to spend a week with great aunt Mildred who insists on plaiting your hair and seeing how cute you look in her socks!!!! this is a must read for all pets who’s owners are rude enough to think they need to get away from it all for a week….without taking you!!! 

Get hold of the sacred red book 

This is by no means an easy feat and it certainly not for the faint hearted. The scared red book is also known as the Passport and you will probably find it glued to your owners side for at least a month before they jaunt off. For maximum effect you should aim to get a hold of it within a week of their holiday date. Hide it, chew it or blatantly destroy it….the choice is yours. If you bide your time your owner will apparently have to queue for at least eight hours at the passport office to obtain a new one. It’s a risky move but will certainly ingrain onto your owners brain that you are not impressed.  

Sulk for days on end

The effectiveness of this tactic is dependant on how excited your owner is about their impending holiday, occasionally your sulking maybe overlooked or defined as “cute”. This is a tactic best left until the last minute. There is pretty much no chance that your owner will ever cancel their holiday, however if you use your best puppy dogs eyes at the same time as your owner wedges you into the boot next to 600 bags and cases you with inevitably emblazon your sad face across their minds for the whole duration of their holiday.

Refuse to walk properly

This is a great method for showing your disapproval of being left behind and showing your owner up both at the same time. When they get you out of the car at your boarding destination sit down and refuse to move. You may get pulled slightly on your bum but if you hold out your owner will eventually feign hopelessness and give up. This really only delays the event, howevevr you are more than likely to be enticed onwards with your favourite food treat. If you can really drag this out you’ll at least be well fed before being left. PLEASE NOTE: this method is usually unsuccessful for small dog breeds and cats. If all else fails, use your claws to maximum effect.
Create havoc
You maybe a pooch version of an angel at home, but if you want to ensure you don’t end up being left behind again you will need to cement your legacy. Once left at your boarding home it is usually quite easy to find fellow parnters in crime who have also been left out on the family holiday. Bark, howl and create your own private rock party. Drag the doggy sitter around on the leash whenever they attempt to walk you. This method is particularly effective if you are staying in someones house as oppose to the kennels. Even if you have never eaten carpet or dragged freshly ironed washing throught the mud before…you need to start. You will have the legacy as a “riot monger”, however, kennels and doggy sitters alike will become suprisingly “fully booked” whenever your owners holidays arise.

 Never act too excited 

After a week (or 2 if you are unlucky) your owner will return to pick you up. This is the time when they are most vunerable. They usually have the holiday blues as they have been to a Country where rain is not a daily occurance, they will also be missing you madly and be slightly guilty about leaving you. It is essential at this point that you do not waste these human emotions. When your owner pops their head around the door, never act like a turbo charged tazmanian devil. Simply look up from the corner you have taken up residence in and give a long, slow sigh. It is most effective at this point to look away and pit your head back onto your paws. 2 things are likely to happen at this point. Your distraught owener will either think you are very upset with them for leaving you and you will undoubtedly be treated to toys and food treats for a good few days. Or your owner will think you have forgotten who they are and will be mortified. This usually guarantees toys and food treats for a good week if not more. It is helpful if you grip the floor with your claws when they try to take you home and howl like a wounded beast. The more people that see the better.
Of course you maybe under the impression that your owner deserves a nice holday. You could go calmly and quietly to your boarding destination and wait patiently until they arrive home, leaping into their arms and showing them with wet sloppy kisses……but where’s the fun in that?

 Going on holiday Jay

3 responses »

  1. Pingback: Dog Tails » Guide to maximizing your owners “holiday”

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