Monthly Archives: November 2011

So It Begins……

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Oh dear God! Why does my Mum insist on putting the Christmas decorations up in November every year? She spends most of the month shouting at the shop windows because the are starting Christmas too early, then she loses her marbles completely and joins them. Wouldn’t you know I’ve got the bloody reindeer antlers again; I should be greatful I haven’t got the Santa hat and strap on boots like Ellie. Mum is not one for buying dog clothes and dressing us up (thank God), but she, like most other humans take on an alter ego during the festive season. For starters, she sings….she buys more food than is humanly possible to consume….she cries at the tenth remake of a Scrooge classic….and she takes on a present buying madness that can only be described as human rabies. Hundreds of people battling through the centre of town, arms full of bags and boxes, half crazed hyena looks on their faces. If only they could enjoy Christmas the way a pet does. Other than enduring the dress up photo days, Ellie and I have a ball. We get to each buffet food by the bucket load; Mum is usually ten sheets to the wind by 2pm on Christmas Day, enabling us to eat mushroom filled vol-eu-vents until we pop. If the alcohol madess carries on into the evening, Mum has no hope of navigating the stairs to get us into bed in the kitchen, we therefore get to spread out and sleep on Mum’s bed.

Ellie is itching to help Mum unravel the tree lights. The decorations take 6 hour to put up but only 6 minutes to take down.; i do try to explain each year that if the lights were put back into the original box, neatly wrapped they would come out much easier, but no one listens to me. Mum also put 600 tiny fairy lights around the tree before plugging them in and checking they work. Sod’s law that one of the little buggers won’t!

Ah well, I’d better show willing and try to eat some of the angel hair…..Time to let the dog see the rabbit (so to speak). Canines start your engines….Ellie, on your mark, get ready…open the crate.

Almost Festive Jay xx

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Date with a Cake (Not 2 be Confused with Cake with Dates)

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I know I shouldn’t have…but I did!

My owner has spent the best part of today baking a cake, and what a lovely cake it was. Bigger than my head and shaped like a grand piano, covered in black icing with little piano keys and a hand crafted stool. She baked and carved and iced and even made iced sheet music to sit on a little stand……all followed by a human faux pas. She left on it the side in the kitchen to set, and she left me in the kitchen, presumably to test my resistance to canine instincts. Needless to say I failed.

I was just standing there, minding my own business, chewing what’s left of my favourite rope toy (Ellie ‘played’ with it when I went for a walk), so obviously it now has no head, no legs, one arm and less stuffing than my Owner’s Xmas turkey.  I swear that cake spoke to me…….. “Jay…Jay, eat me!! EAT ME!!!”. I thought if I just had a small taste I could blame Ellie, you know, have my cake and eat it so to speak. So taste it I did, I just took a nibble of one of the legs at the back…….caaaaaakkkkkeee. Had I been on a wagon I would have fallen off at that very moment. As you will know from previous posts, I am not a bad dog and what kind of human would leave a dog in a kitchen wth a cake……

Okay, so I ate the cake, the whole thing (including the sheet music). Had I known more about the culinary skills of humans I may have avoided certain parts for fear of recrimination. Note to self….do not eat pure icing. The damn piano keys stuck in my mouth like glitter on glue, and try as I did I could not get them off. I had demolished a whole cake, including crumbs and lined my housemate Ellie up to take the blame, but the evidence against me was overwhelming.

Mum came back into the kitchen half an hour later and gasped in horror when she looked at the empty cake tin. She glanced at me in what can only be described as disbelief (she knows I do not steal food as a general rule), if only I had kept my mouth shut and pointed a paw at Ellie, I may have gotten away with it. But no, I had to smile didn’t I. Mum screamed, Ellie barked and I turned to look at my reflection in the kitchen door. Giant, black and white icing piano keys hung where my own teeth should have been. I looked like the Cheshire Cat on a grinning mission.

Caked and Happy Jay xx

Dear Santa……..Canine Style

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Although it may be a little early for Christmas musings, I am trying to come up with my Christmas wish list early this year so that I do not end up with the usual human version of canine presents. It was no mere accident last year that I cocked my leg up the artificial Christmas tree, although I will not be repeating this due my private parts being laden in tinsel for 2 days afterwards. My ‘accident’ was a vain attempt at letting my owner know that I was not impressed with the stocking shaped goody bag (which turned out to be mostly packaging), nor was I content with the reindeer ears I was forced to wear for 3 days (though the reindeer from which they came was probably less impressed still).   

This year I am dropping subtle hints for a state of the art treadmill. Although I live for my daily walks with my owner, I am not a winter dog. I do not like the cold and I like snow and ice even less. I know it is not here yet, but trust me….it will be. The steep incline from our house turns into a sakting rink every year and I not only have to try and pull myself up the hill, I have to pull my owner as well (an unenviable task when she has wolfed down a Christmas dinner and 6 mince pies). A treadmill would allow me to walk in the house, therefore keeping my lean figure trim, and means I would not miss my favourite TV shows. I left the Argos catalogue on the sports equipment page yesterday…..hint hint.  

My housemate Ellie has picked up the nasty habit of answering back when she is told off. I may add some ear muffs to my Christmas list…..or a gag!

Driving Home For Christmas Jay xxx