Monthly Archives: December 2011

Snow White and the 7 Dogwarfs

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We have all heard of the 7 dwarfs – Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful and Doc. But I don’t think many humans are aware that we canines also have our own version of this classic Disney tale.

Yappy – a small dog breed, also known as toy or miniature dog. Some examples would be Yorkshire Terrier or Chihuahua. Easily identifiable by their ability to bark at a pitch high enough to break glass. Can often be found hanging out of celebrities handbags or squashed between the butt cheeks of obese owners.

Scary – there are a couple of breeds that I would put into this catagory. The first being the Rotweiler, for obvious reasons. The second being the Chinese Crested (hairless variety). No words are needed to explain why this breed is particularly scary to humans and dogs alike. Please see photo in explanation. (leg warmers optional!)

Sporty – yes we are still talking about dogs and not spice girls. I am extremely surprised to find that I apparently do not fit into this catagory. However, if you want a dog that is built like Arnie and can catch a salmon with their bare paws….check out the Pointer and Springer Spaniel for some examples.

Speedy – Usain Bolt has nothing on these breeds. The Greyhound and Whippet are notorious amongst us dogs as being able to run like the wind. The down side is the slim build and delicate digestives systems, which can often result in their human owners running from the wind.

Clumsy – mainly described as clumsy due to their size, but the catagory winner for the dog most likely to accidently step on it’s owner foot and break a few toes in doing so is the Irish Wolfhound. Although wonderfully intelligent, this breed can’t even see where it’s feet are, let alone be held responsible for what it treads on.

Thoughtful – these breeds are so named due to their care and consideration in the hair shedding arena. Loved by humans for their ability to roll themselves stupid all over their owners new black trousers without a hair in sight. Who wouldn’t love one of these dogs….(hiss & boo). Poodle and Bichon Frise are perfect examples of these ‘keep your hair to yourself’ breeds. Unfortunately, not content with the hundreds of breeds of dogs already around, humans have taken to cross breeding dogs they like with traits that suit. Giving rise to the lazily named Labradoodle.

Jobsworth – yes me at last. This is a class of working dogs breeds who are gifted in the employment sector due to their skills, abilities and canine instincts. I myself am a working dog (sheep herder to be exact) and although I have never actually had a job, your average Border Collie makes this catagory with ease. A lesser known breed from this section is the Giant Schnauzer (pictured below), and whilst it may look like a cross between a giant Yoda and Chewbacca, it is an excellent herding breed (if I were a sheep I’d sure as hell move if I saw this running towards me!!!)

Snow White Jay xxx

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Dogs That Keep Your Feet Warm?

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Yes, I ate Mum’s new slippers….but I am really not to blame here. Who the hell invented slippers for humans to wear that are shaped like furry dogs. Here’s me, going about my household business as usual, when 2 new black Scottie dogs appear in my lounge from nowhere. I was not consulted when Mum brought Ellie home as a puppy, so I naturally assumed that same thing had happened again. Mum went out to work as usual and after prying the kitchen door open with my bare paws, Ellie & I settled ourselves onto the comfy sofa to await Mum’s return. That’s when I noticed them out of the corner of my eye.; sitting next to the fire all black and Scottie like.

Of course I thought it was odd that they were not moving and that they appeared to have no feet and leather bottoms, but like I say ‘who the hell invented slippers for humans to wear that are shaped like furry dogs!’  I sidled off the sofa to take a closer look but Ellie beat me to it. Before I could bark she was walking around the lounge with one of the Scottie dogs in her mouth (it turned out to be the left one). Being the male of the house and fearing for Ellies’ safety, I picked up the other dog to investigate.

Now paw on heart, I picked it up with all the gentleness of a mother carrying her newborn puppy and I have absolutely no idea how the head came off the thing so easily. Leaving a dog home alone with a furry, stuffing filled head is just plain stupidity if you ask me (not that Mum did). I must have blacked out after that, ‘cos when I came to Ellie had snuck back into the kitchen and I was lying on the floor next to 2 furry Scottie dog heads and a mountain of white stuffing. Trust Ellie to try and get back into the lounge and close the door to the kitchen in her attempt. Stuck in the middle of my crime scene with nowhere to go, I had no other choice than to wait for Mum to come home and take my punishment.

Apparently she paid £16.00 for them; which judging by the colour of her face is a lot of money. It’s not like she can’t wear them anymore, she can still stick her feet in them. It’s just that her toes poke out of the ends where the heads should be. Maybe Santa will bring her some more…..

Cannibal Jay xxxx

So Surprised……NOT!!

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Ellie and my Christmas presents have appeared under the indoor tree and they are surprisingly stocking shaped…. again!  Last years gift was more packaging then present, a giant cardboard shaped stocking with a tiny lollipop shaped treat, a piece of rope and what was obviously meant to be a toy bone with a built in squeak. Ellie had swallowed her squeak within 10 minutes and I ate her lollipop treat whilst Mum rugby tackled her to the floor to try and retrieve said squeak.

I know I sound very ungrateful, but dog suppliers seem to be decidely lacking in the imagination department when it comes to pet presents. I have seen the most unimaginable human gifts decorating the shop windows in the high street, so I know the talent to create these wonders is out there. I can only assume that the humans who are employed to make dog gifts did not get the jobs they applied for in the human gift making industry. It is also puzzling that humans are employed to create, test, market and sell their human gifts and yet I have not seen one job advertisment for pets in the pet gift industry (as an out of work working dog; I check the employment advertisments from time to time). Would it not be sensible to employ a few dogs, cats, hamsters….the odd bird, to test out these suggestions before filling the shelves with millions of stockings filled with crap!

Yesterday I saw a box of jaffa cakes that measured 5 feet in length. That has to be at least 200 lovely, orangey, jaffa cakeness. How hard would it be for someone to make a 5 foot long sausage??  I personally believe that I may already possess the skills and knowledge to succeed in the apparently “easy to get into” world of making toys and treats for pets. For example, our local pet store (which is the only shop in town I am allowed into), has a smorgasbord of stuffed teddies and rubber chickens. Mum has bought a large number of these for Ellie and I over the past few years and I have noticed a trend with both Mum and the pet owners who appear on TV.  All hell breaks lose when a dog pulls the arms, legs, eyes or head off these stuffed animals and my Mum in particular acts like Ellie has blugeoned someone to death when stuffing ends up all over the floor. So I ask…..what the hell is the point of these stuffed toys? Do you know, they have even created a stuffed, fluffy toy for dogs without any stuffing in it!!!!!!!!!

As a dog I can tell any human that we do not enjoy sitting on the sofa with our teddy friends, silently watching the TV together and making small talk in the advert breaks……..we like to chew, rip, eat, tear and anything else that can be done with a mouth and some sharp teeth. You may have noticed that we do not have fingers or thumbs, hence why we play with toys with our mouths!  Why not create a cuddly teddy toy whose head, legs, arms and tail are stuck on with velcro. That way we can pull apart until our hearts are content and our wonderful humans can put it all back together again whenever they like…….

Brain Trained Jay xxxx

Gremlin Resemblance

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Mum is watching Gremlins on TV and it has just occured to me that Ellie resembles a gremlin. In looks she is brown and white, cute, furry and cuddly. However, she is obssessed with bright lights and certainly shouldn’t eat after midnight. God only knows what would happen if Mum tried to bath her!!!

 

We have had our photo’s taken today (for some reason) and aparently Mum has caught one of me laughing. I do find posing for Christmas photo’s hilarious at the best of times…..but I am quite sure I was NOT laughing.

Only 10 more sleeps til Christmas xxxxxx Jay

God Particle Mixup

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Mum has been home most of the day and so the TV has been on…droaning away merrily in the background. I am not a TV dog (unlike Ellie who is practically glued to the thing), however I have heard numerous humans talking about the ‘God Particle’ on the television today and I am very conCERNed that someone has made a mistake. Surely these people are meant to be describing the ‘Dog Particle’ and the have simply mispelt the former.

My ears pricked up on hearing the word God, as they usually do (it is no coincidence that God is Dog spelt backwards) and so I listened to what was being described and after 3 hours I was convinced that a scientific mishap had occured. I am not one to spout theories without back up, so for my canine friends out there who may have missed this letter swappage, please see my theory notes below.

  • God Particle – the discovery of this likely mass range is not enough to declare the particle as discovered
  • Dog Particle – dogs have been discovered and proven which by defaults puts us 1 point ahead of the above
  • God Particle – the possible existence of the Higgs boson
  • Dog Particle – Kibble is noted for his co-discovery of the Higgs-Kibble Mechanism. However, kibble is more noteably recognisable as a component of dog food.
  • God Particle – scientists test their particle theories using two detectors, known as Atlas and CMS
  • Dog Particle – we have Lassie and Snoopy!!
  • God Particle – the Higgs boson (God particle) is believed to be the particle which gives mass to matter
  • Dog Particle – the mass of a jumbo bone from the pet shop is 250g and that is all that matters!

I believe I have successfully proven my theory and shall therefore be expecting to see my name in print this time tomorrow

CERNtainly Mind Over Matter……Jay xx

 

Stupid Questions with Sensible Answers

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As a dog, it always amazes me how stupid some of the questions that Mum asks me are. I know how intelligent Mum is because she never forgets to feed us and she has never been eaten by a wild animal. Today is obviously dog quiz day and Mum has forgotten to tell me. It would have been nice to have been told, seeing as though all of the questions are being aimed at me.

“Why are you chasing your tail Jay?” I would have thought the answer to this was obvious, I’m chasing my tail to catch it; the same as I do with those sticks and tennis balls you keep throwing.

“Why are you dragging your bum along the floor Jay?” I wonder if I get extra credit for a two point answer. A: Because it itches and B: Because I have never found where you hide my personal toilet paper.

“JAY; why did you wee up that tree” If I may be as bold as to answer a question with a question; Why is there a tree in the house if not for me to cock my leg up? You have obviously seen what I do up the trees in the garden all year round, so why would you put one of those in our lounge?

I assume they are all rhetorical questions, as Mum never waits for an answer. God help her if she starts to aim her questions at Ellie, because even I don’t understand why she does most of what she does.

Quiz Master….Jay xxx

The Wind’s Changed & Faces Have Stuck….

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No no no!!! Absolutely not. I am putting my paw down on this one.

Ellie has just arrived back from her walk with Mum and as much as I love my walks, I am NOT going out there. In fact, I can’t even be sure that it is actually Mum and Ellie that have just walked through the front door. They went out looking as normal as ever; Ellie swinging off the floor with the lead in her mouth and Mum trying to get through the door with Ellie in one piece.

The human who has just walked in is dressed like Mum and certainly has the same shoes as Mum, but the hair is a concern. Someone seems to have glued it flat to her head and her glasses are all skew whiff. There are leaves hanging out of her mouth and I’m sure she is crying. If it wasn’t for the state on Ellie I may wonder if Mum hadn’t been mugged.

Ellie looks like someone has shoved her into a bush and then dragged her out backwards. She is covered from head to paw in leaves, moss, mud and crisp packets and there is a serious issue with her face. There is apparently an human saying ‘if the wind changes your face will stick like that’. For the love of God humans and animals alike, please take heed of this warning. Because the wind is blowing merry hell outside and Ellie’s face has stuck like it. She resembles a dog who was practicing being one of the night of the living dead when the wind suddenly changed.

I’m not sure whether to try and straighten Ellie’s face or to club her to death with one of Mum’s shoes……..but there is no way in hell I am setting foot out there…..

Going to Hide….Jay xxxx

Cat Like Dog

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I have tried in vain for the past 3 years to identify what type of animal is crossed with; she is definately not a pure bred Border Collie, although Mum insists she is! (guessing she paid over the odds for a mixed breed). Finally today after being blown half way across the garde whilst trying to pee, I have worked it out. She is not crossed with another canine breed as I initally thought, she is in fact pat cat!

I know this seems a extreme suggestion, but I have watched cats for years and I know how the differ from us dogs. The think they have superior intelligence (which we actually allow them to believe); they stalk their prey (we just chase ours) and the do not have ball catching instincts. I have just watched Ellie, my canine housemate stalk a bird in our back garden. Not the usual stealth stalking you may witness from our feline counterparts; more like an elephant trying to tip toe around a pottery shop. The point is not that she is bad at stalking, but more that she is trying to stalk at all. I have obviously had a stern word with her to explain that dogs do not stalk, but she appears not to be listening.

I blame myself somewhat; I mean I noticed when she was a puppy that she couldn’t catch a tennis ball to save her life, but I just thought she would grow into it (and repeatedly threw balls at her head to help the process along a little). But it actually got worse as she grew, not only did she not catch a ball thrown from 500 yards, she had completely forgotten Mum was holding a ball by the time she got 500 yards away.

I do not judge my fellow canine’s, regardless of their unusual behaviour. However, there is a cat next door called Ida (shame on her owners for their name choosing abilities), and without wishing to be rude; she is one mean cat. A common myth is that dogs hate cats and visa versa, but this is not the case. I spent a lot of time with cats in the rescue centre and quite like them, but Ida does her level best to be as unlikeable as possible. She sat on the fence this morning (very impressive as the fence is less than an inch in width), and watched Ellie’s attempt at bird stalking. Now I know she shouldn’t be stalking and it is weird behaviour for a dog, but I am supportive non the less. Whereas Ida laughed at her in a hissy, cat like way. She also spat at Ellie on her way past (whilst showing the correct procedure for stalking).

Not so into cats…..Jay xxx

Reindeer and Velcro Hooves….

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Mum went Christmas shopping today, which left Ellie and I home alone. We are left in the kitchen for the short time Mum goes out, because Ellie has taken to picking the baubles off the tree and burying them under the sofa. There have been no more cake eating incidents, mainly because Mum has bought a large plastic tin which the freshly baked cakes are put into and which my paws are unable to grip.

Luckily I have only had to wear the reindeer antlers once so far, for the family Christmas card Mum sends to everyone. I am not happy trying out different poses in my antlers or at the prospect of trying to say cheese (which I cannot wrap my tongue around), but at least I didn’t get my Christmas attire attached to my body for three hours. Whichever human idiot decided to put velcro in the canine strap on reindeer hooves, should be shot. Ellie had one stuck on her left foot for the best part of the day and the one she did manage to rip off hung off her beard for hours.

No cake and all festived out…Jay xxx

Facebook….viral illness

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Mum says I’ve gone viral…although am feeling fine so not sure how that happened! I may have sniffed around the cute bearded collie who lives at the end of the street (much to Ellie’s disgust), but sniff was all I did. Actually, since my horrific visit to the vets 3 years ago, sniffing is all I may as well bother to do. Anyway, about the viral thing…..this mystery illness has something to do with my having my own blog, twitter page and now i have joined the social network addicton of Facebook. I am welcoming to any new friends and can’t believe I have 4 new friends in less than an hour of opening the account. You can just look for me on Jay Bordrr Collie and i promise to accept any genuine friend request.

1 million friends here I come……….. Jay xxx