It’s been nearly 4 years since my very first blog post…so I thought I would re-blog the story that started it all off…….Enjoy!!
It’s Sunday night and all is well in the world…..the calm after the storm you might say! Chaos reigned for no less than 48 hours, but the tears have stopped (thank God!), the panic’s over and I’m back up there in the good books again. I mean, it wasn’t actually my fault at all! How was I to know it would cause such a commotion? So I went out for a walk by myself…big deal. It’s not exactly show stopping news now is it? A little me time, to take in the sights without Ellie shouting down my ear or having to stop and talk to people every ten minutes. Okay I’ll admit maybe, I should have mentioned to someone that I was going. It’s just that the gap in the front door was like an open invitation to me…kind of like when someone throws a ball across a field and an instinctive urge comes over you to chase it….I’m really not to blame here!
So anyway….It all happened on Friday night just after 6.00pm. I popped out the front door and took a left at the alleyway, heading down towards the side street. I did feel a bit mean walking past that odd looking black dog who always has his nose and left eye poking out from under the gate. I don’t think he gets out too much. Him and Ellie usually have a screaming match every time they see each other, but he just looked a bit forlorn as I sauntered past. Needless to say I didn’t stop to chat!
Now I should mention that at this point, I did sort of hear my Mum shouting my name from the house. I say shouted! It was actually more of a pitiful wail like someone torturing a hyena with a blunt spoon! But in my defence, she does have a tendency to over react slightly. Like the time we went for a “family” walk in the woods. Now I could tell we were going uphill at a considerable rate, but no one listens to me when I try to explain. It’s always “be quiet Jay” or “shhh, I’m trying to think Jay”…..well don’t mind me, think away! Less than an hour later we were perched on the top of a hill with a sheer drop down one side and a mass of bushes down the other. Oh yes…..they listen when they need me! “Get us down the hill Jay”, “I’ll sit on my ass and slide down while you go ahead and tackle the brambles“…gee great thinking!
Anyway..back to my evening stroll. The smell of chips urged me on so I headed towards the chip shop. I glanced back just before turning the corner. Mum must have seen me, because she was flailing her arms about like a demonic scarecrow. Who knew she could run so fast? We sometimes play a game on the beach where I run ahead and she chases me, so naturally I took that assumption…. Game On! I bolted in the opposite direction with the full force of the wind behind me (probably caused by the beef in gravy dinner!). I zoomed past two fields full of sheep. Very suspicious looking sheep I might add. I have a deep rooted sheep phobia. Highly unusual I know, but there it is. I headed down towards the bicycle track that goes across the estuary. I’ve always wanted to go down that grassy bank and onto the sand when the tides out. It was absolutely full of seagulls and swans. I’m not usually allowed, but Mum was nowhere to be seen at this point so I thought “a quick look won’t hurt”.
Wow, those birds are nasty. Now I’m quite a friendly chap and I meant no harm, I just wanted to see them up close. I walked across to a flock of them and smiled. I find it quite difficult to smile without my teeth showing, It looks more like a sinister toothy grin and I think that’s how the birds must have taken it. The next minute I’ve got one of them attached to my butt by its beak, two others flapping ferociously by my head and a third actually spitting at me. How rude! It actually seemed like quite an adventure up until that moment. But the worst was yet to come.
I finally managed to detach the demented swan from my butt with some savvy tail chasing and decided that I’d had quite enough adventure for one evening. My good intention to head back home and sneak in unnoticed was somewhat thwarted by my distinct lack of tracking abilities. Before I knew it I was stranded in the middle of a field surrounded by a million killer sheep……..okay so a million may be a bit of an exaggeration, but they were definitely killer sheep! The type that carry shovels and pick axes discretely hidden under their woolly exteriors. My fear of sheep is unmatched, especially in the breed of being a Border Collie (we are known universally as Sheep Dogs!). Needless to say I panicked……they were most definitely bleating something that resembled “Baaa Baaa Q” “Baaa Baaa Q”. I had to think on my feet, which is not easy when fear sets in. Then I had an idea, I’d seen it once on a film Mum watched. The one where that pig talks to the sheep and they do exactly what he says. Now if a pig can do it….I’m a dead cert. I stared the leader straight in the eye (he only had one!) and said “Baa Ram Ewe……Baa Ram Ewe”…… and you won’t believe this but it actually worked.
With a look of horror in their eyes they started to back off, some even turned and ran. I was home free….saved by that pig in the film. That’s when I felt a blast of hot, stinking breath rush past me. I heard him before I saw him…..the biggest, ugliest, smelliest Bull you have ever seen. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever run that quick…..sod getting home, I just wanted to escape with my life. I didn’t look back, I just ran. And would you believe it; I ran around the corner and there she was in the distance. I’d found my Mum! The scene was like something from a B rated love film where the 2 people run in slow motion towards each other….me bounding and shouting…Mum running and waving, tears streaming down her face and the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Well, it started off as a smile…but as we got closer her face slowly contorted into that of a wild eyed maniac. Now I know that she was just beyond relieved to have found me…apparently I’d been gone for over 3 hours…who knew. She hugged me so tightly….a little to tightly to be honest. But I was found….I never really knew that I was lost.
Tired From Thinking About It Jay xxxx