It’s been nearly 4 years since my very first blog post…so I thought I would re-blog the story that started it all off…….Enjoy!!
It’s Sunday night and all is well in the world…..the calm after the storm you might say! Chaos reigned for no less than 48 hours, but the tears have stopped (thank God!), the panic’s over and I’m back up there in the good books again. I mean, it wasn’t actually my fault at all! How was I to know it would cause such a commotion? So I went out for a walk by myself…big deal. It’s not exactly show stopping news now is it? A little me time, to take in the sights without Ellie shouting down my ear or having to stop and talk to people every ten minutes. Okay I’ll admit maybe, I should have mentioned to someone that I was going. It’s just that the gap in the front door was like an open invitation to me…kind of like when someone throws a ball across a field and an instinctive urge comes over you to chase it….I’m really not to blame here!
So anyway….It all happened on Friday night just after 6.00pm. I popped out the front door and took a left at the alleyway, heading down towards the side street. I did feel a bit mean walking past that odd looking black dog who always has his nose and left eye poking out from under the gate. I don’t think he gets out too much. Him and Ellie usually have a screaming match every time they see each other, but he just looked a bit forlorn as I sauntered past. Needless to say I didn’t stop to chat!
Now I should mention that at this point, I did sort of hear my Mum shouting my name from the house. I say shouted! It was actually more of a pitiful wail like someone torturing a hyena with a blunt spoon! But in my defence, she does have a tendency to over react slightly. Like the time we went for a “family” walk in the woods. Now I could tell we were going uphill at a considerable rate, but no one listens to me when I try to explain. It’s always “be quiet Jay” or “shhh, I’m trying to think Jay”…..well don’t mind me, think away! Less than an hour later we were perched on the top of a hill with a sheer drop down one side and a mass of bushes down the other. Oh yes…..they listen when they need me! “Get us down the hill Jay”, “I’ll sit on my ass and slide down while you go ahead and tackle the brambles“…gee great thinking!
Anyway..back to my evening stroll. The smell of chips urged me on so I headed towards the chip shop. I glanced back just before turning the corner. Mum must have seen me, because she was flailing her arms about like a demonic scarecrow. Who knew she could run so fast? We sometimes play a game on the beach where I run ahead and she chases me, so naturally I took that assumption…. Game On! I bolted in the opposite direction with the full force of the wind behind me (probably caused by the beef in gravy dinner!). I zoomed past two fields full of sheep. Very suspicious looking sheep I might add. I have a deep rooted sheep phobia. Highly unusual I know, but there it is. I headed down towards the bicycle track that goes across the estuary. I’ve always wanted to go down that grassy bank and onto the sand when the tides out. It was absolutely full of seagulls and swans. I’m not usually allowed, but Mum was nowhere to be seen at this point so I thought “a quick look won’t hurt”.
Wow, those birds are nasty. Now I’m quite a friendly chap and I meant no harm, I just wanted to see them up close. I walked across to a flock of them and smiled. I find it quite difficult to smile without my teeth showing, It looks more like a sinister toothy grin and I think that’s how the birds must have taken it. The next minute I’ve got one of them attached to my butt by its beak, two others flapping ferociously by my head and a third actually spitting at me. How rude! It actually seemed like quite an adventure up until that moment. But the worst was yet to come.
I finally managed to detach the demented swan from my butt with some savvy tail chasing and decided that I’d had quite enough adventure for one evening. My good intention to head back home and sneak in unnoticed was somewhat thwarted by my distinct lack of tracking abilities. Before I knew it I was stranded in the middle of a field surrounded by a million killer sheep……..okay so a million may be a bit of an exaggeration, but they were definitely killer sheep! The type that carry shovels and pick axes discretely hidden under their woolly exteriors. My fear of sheep is unmatched, especially in the breed of being a Border Collie (we are known universally as Sheep Dogs!). Needless to say I panicked……they were most definitely bleating something that resembled “Baaa Baaa Q” “Baaa Baaa Q”. I had to think on my feet, which is not easy when fear sets in. Then I had an idea, I’d seen it once on a film Mum watched. The one where that pig talks to the sheep and they do exactly what he says. Now if a pig can do it….I’m a dead cert. I stared the leader straight in the eye (he only had one!) and said “Baa Ram Ewe……Baa Ram Ewe”…… and you won’t believe this but it actually worked.
With a look of horror in their eyes they started to back off, some even turned and ran. I was home free….saved by that pig in the film. That’s when I felt a blast of hot, stinking breath rush past me. I heard him before I saw him…..the biggest, ugliest, smelliest Bull you have ever seen. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever run that quick…..sod getting home, I just wanted to escape with my life. I didn’t look back, I just ran. And would you believe it; I ran around the corner and there she was in the distance. I’d found my Mum! The scene was like something from a B rated love film where the 2 people run in slow motion towards each other….me bounding and shouting…Mum running and waving, tears streaming down her face and the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Well, it started off as a smile…but as we got closer her face slowly contorted into that of a wild eyed maniac. Now I know that she was just beyond relieved to have found me…apparently I’d been gone for over 3 hours…who knew. She hugged me so tightly….a little to tightly to be honest. But I was found….I never really knew that I was lost.
Tired From Thinking About It Jay xxxx
Before writing some of my blogs, I often do some research on the internet to see what’s happening in the world (just in case I’m missing out on anything super cool!!) I have this week come across something very strange known as The Google Glasses (Project Glass). It would appear that humans are to wear this odd contraption on their heads and have instant access to news, weather, music and other applications.
It may be because I am a dog and do not understand the inner workings of the human mind, but this seems a little Total Recall to me (Ohhh I love Arnie….) I can just imagine the day when Mum no longer needs to take me for a walk, as she straps some Google Glasses onto my head, sticks me on a treadmill and off I go….under the sorry illusion that I am in fact walking in the Welsh valleys on a warm, barmy day (as opposed to being in my living room facing a white wall).
Although, these glasses may be a welcome addition for Ellie…..I could stick them on her face, put the tennis on and tell her to watch the ball….that should keep her busy for hours, if not days…
The Future Is Calling Jay xxx
I really dislike next doors cat! It’s not that I’m anti-cat or anything; the ginger one who lives across the road seems to be okay. At least he has the decency to hide under cars and pretend I’m dominant when he sees me coming. But our neighbours cat is just plain rude; he sits on top of MY fence with his ‘oh so skinny, I can walk on a 2 inch fence’ type feet and watches me when I’m trying to poop!
He refuses point blank to acknowledge my superiority as a canine and looks at me like I’ve just rolled in something nasty. Do you know how difficult it is to poop when Mr Twinkles is hissing manically above you? Maybe he’s trying to get me to spread the word around the village that he’s tough (trying to rid himself of the cat-complex a name like Mr Twinkles would give you !!)
Furthermore, I see him out of the window most evenings after Mum comes home from work, sitting on the bonnet of our car (stretching his legs). I usually shout through the window at him, but Mum always stops me; saying he is just getting warm after the cars been running. Why doesn’t he get warm on his own blinking car?
Mr Twinkles tried to make friends with my Mum a few weeks back…..probably just to annoy me; how is it that cats get away with murder (quite literally)? Mum opened the front door to take me for a walk and there was Mr Twinkles sitting on our car after having deposited a headless mouse on our doorstep. Dirty bugger!
I get in trouble for bringing in mud from the garden and saving it for a snack later, but Mr Twinkles is ‘cute’ when he dumps decapitated dead animals on my doorstep. I bet his Mum wouldn’t think it was cute if I decapitated him and deposited him at her front door !!!!
Cat Envy Jay xxx
I have noticed during my years of living with Mum that there are numerous things that can land a pooch in the so-called ‘dog house’. I can only assume that these ‘things’ are not specific to my living arrangements and most probably apply to all dogs and their owners. I have therefore made myself an ‘Unbucket List’ (things I will NOT do before I die)……I am going to go on a Doggy to do List Detox and try to refrain from doing as many of these things as possible. Mainly because I love my Mum and do not like to see her eyes flashing red and the vein in her temple doing an Irish Jig.
- I will stop wiping my mouth across the sofa throw after having eaten my chicken in jelly dinner – it is not a doggy napkin
- I will not take Mum’s underwear off the washing line and parade them around the garden like a 4th of July banner
- I will stop sitting on Ellie’s head so that I get more attention than she does
- I will not play tug of war with Mum’s trousers – especially when she is sitting on the toilet with them around her ankles
- I will not stick my head out of the car window incase I accidentally put my foot on the button and get my head stuck – again
- I will not come in from the garden after doing my business and wipe my butt across the carpet – especially when we have company
- I will stop being nosy and barking every time someone knocks on our neighbours front door
- The postman is not trying to steal our belongings when he pokes his hand through the letterbox – I must stop trying to rip off his limbs
- I must not stand up to attention and growl after being in a deep sleep when it is dark and Mum is home alone
- I must not drink out of the toilet bowl (or I will at least check it has been flushed first)
- I must head to the garden if I’m going to be sick, instead of walking around the house and depositing piles of puke on clean bits of carpet
- I must not sniff Ellie’s poo after she’s done it if my front legs are not securely positioned
There are probably a lot more I should add to this list…but we’ll see how I go on over the next few days………
Unbucketed Jay xxx
I’M BEING STARVED……….well, starved is a bit dramatic. I have been given a child’s portion of rice!!!
I’ve picked up a stomach bug from Dog knows where…….toilet visits ten to the dozen and wind enough to fly a kite. Mum seems to think not feeding me is the quick fix. Personally, I think she is worried about having to get up in the middle of the night when my teeny portion of rice tries to find the nearest exit out of my body.
In addition to this, she thinks my energy will be depleted if she takes me out for a walk having not been fed…….HUMAN LOGIC!!!
I am used to having much more sympathy when I’m feeling under the weather. However, Mum is apparently feeling ‘ill’ as well which is taking precedence over my upset tummy. Drama Queen as ever, Mum is insistent she has ‘Swine Flu’…….more like ‘Wine Flu’ given the 2 bottles of wine she polished off last night !!!
Under The Weather Jay xxx
Haha…I have used my opposable thumbs to upload my video to You Tube……
Mum is not very impressed cos apparently one of the pics has a shot of her elbow on?? Hey Ho
Please see my first You Tube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOmo-HjUdVA
Name in Lights Jay xx
Not another holiday !!!!!!!!!!!
Mum is planning a holiday. The reason I know this is because she has started her usual routine of trying to convince me that I too and going on my holidays….to the kennel (yeah right!!!) In light of this I have decided to outline some key tactics and methods for making the most of those holiday blues. Whether you get shipped off to the kennels or cattery, or are less fortunate and get to spend a week with great aunt Mildred who insists on plaiting your hair and seeing how cute you look in her socks!!!! this is a must read for all pets who’s owners are rude enough to think they need to get away from it all for a week….without taking you!!!
This is by no means an easy feat and it certainly not for the faint hearted. The…
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