Once every year, my owner is overcome by the insane notion that I am either going to be attacked by a rabid flying monkey or that the pavements will turn into a blanket of rusty nails just before my evening walk. Why she thinks this is beyond me, however the consequences are that I am whisked off to the dreaded ‘vets’ and thus ensues the horrific event that Mum refers to as having my annual injections.
As any dog will know, the vets is a place of misery, pain and often humiliation (my vet has a particular proclivity for shoving his fingers up my bum!); but this years injection visit bore such humiliation that I searched high and low for a shovel to dig a hole in the ground as my paws were just not fast enough.
I always know when something bad is about to happen because Mum buys corned beef out of what I assume is pre-emptive guilt. Yesterday out came the corned beef; which I stupidly ate after checking no white pills had been hidden inside it! Ten minutes later we were in the car and on the way to the vets. I lay down by Mum’s feet in the waiting room (There is no point creating a fuss as you just get dragged across the floor on your butt and our vet has wool carpets!) and waited for the inevitable to happen. A couple of dogs came out of the dreaded white door with cones on their heads; screaming the age old war cry of ‘where have my balls gone!’. Finally it was our turn.
Mum placed my trembling body onto the vets table as she babbled on about unlimited corned beef and being able to sit on the sofa (I would have relished in the human guilt factor had I not been so terrified.) The vet pushed my head to the left and spewed out the usual load of rubbish that putting the injection in the neck is painless (how I long to shove a ten inch needle into his neck and see if he still thinks it’s painless). It was just before closing my eyes that I noticed something purple lying on the floor. At first I couldn’t quite make out what it was, it looked like an extra large hanky lying right next to Mum’s right shoe. But then Mum moved slightly and the full shape of the object came into view….
I’ve heard about this happening to humans before but never actually seen it with my own eyes. They put their clothes on in a hurry and forget to check what might have become of the previous day’s garments! The vet was stalling with the injection, he’d started talking about his impending holiday to Mum; I poked my paw out at Mum and tried to get her attention. She seemed to think I was beyond petrified and wanted to hold her hand! I didn’t know how to get her to look down….I imagined all of the dogs in the neighbourhood finding out about it; I’d be the laughing stock of the village. I needed to do something, pick them up and hide them before the vet noticed…
I moved slowly towards the edge of the table and finally got my back end far enough across that gravity did the rest. I slid off the table and onto the floor before anyone could stop me. Using all of my stealth abilities, I flicked my tail in their direction and they soared through the air towards me before anyone noticed. Unfortunately, Mum was still looking at the vet when she bent down, picked me up to put me back onto the table so she did not noticed what was strewn across my head. In my attempt to sweep them under the table, they had in fact landed on top of my head.
It was too late…….Mum and the vet had finally stopped talking and both looked in my direction at the same time. Mum gasped and slapped her hand across her mouth, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red, the vet’s eyes grew as large as saucers and his eyebrows receded into his hairline and there I sat on the veterinary table with a giant pair of Mum’s purple knickers sitting on my head, my ears poking out through the leg holes like a giant purple hat.
Mum had obviously not noticed that morning when getting dressed that the previous days underwear were still lurking in her jeans. Throughout the morning they had made their crafty way down her trouser leg, poised until the perfect moment to drop presented itself. That moment it turned out had been 2 seconds prior to having my annual injection at the vets.
So I would like to take this moment to thank those purple pants from the bottom of my heart for postponing the inevitable injections, if only for a short while. In Mum’s horror, she had lifted me from the table and fled from the vets room with such speed that the purple knickers had flown from my head and landed smack bang in the middle of the coffee table in the vets waiting room, right amidst copies of Dog Today and Womans Own.
Jay the Knicker Wearing Pooch