It’s December…so it is officially okay to say ‘Merry Christmas’ from Ellie & I…..
It’s December…so it is officially okay to say ‘Merry Christmas’ from Ellie & I…..
Once every year, my owner is overcome by the insane notion that I am either going to be attacked by a rabid flying monkey or that the pavements will turn into a blanket of rusty nails just before my evening walk. Why she thinks this is beyond me, however the consequences are that I am whisked off to the dreaded ‘vets’ and thus ensues the horrific event that Mum refers to as having my annual injections.
As any dog will know, the vets is a place of misery, pain and often humiliation (my vet has a particular proclivity for shoving his fingers up my bum!); but this years injection visit bore such humiliation that I searched high and low for a shovel to dig a hole in the ground as my paws were just not fast enough.
I always know when something bad is about to happen because Mum buys corned beef out of what I assume is pre-emptive guilt. Yesterday out came the corned beef; which I stupidly ate after checking no white pills had been hidden inside it! Ten minutes later we were in the car and on the way to the vets. I lay down by Mum’s feet in the waiting room (There is no point creating a fuss as you just get dragged across the floor on your butt and our vet has wool carpets!) and waited for the inevitable to happen. A couple of dogs came out of the dreaded white door with cones on their heads; screaming the age old war cry of ‘where have my balls gone!’. Finally it was our turn.
Mum placed my trembling body onto the vets table as she babbled on about unlimited corned beef and being able to sit on the sofa (I would have relished in the human guilt factor had I not been so terrified.) The vet pushed my head to the left and spewed out the usual load of rubbish that putting the injection in the neck is painless (how I long to shove a ten inch needle into his neck and see if he still thinks it’s painless). It was just before closing my eyes that I noticed something purple lying on the floor. At first I couldn’t quite make out what it was, it looked like an extra large hanky lying right next to Mum’s right shoe. But then Mum moved slightly and the full shape of the object came into view….
I’ve heard about this happening to humans before but never actually seen it with my own eyes. They put their clothes on in a hurry and forget to check what might have become of the previous day’s garments! The vet was stalling with the injection, he’d started talking about his impending holiday to Mum; I poked my paw out at Mum and tried to get her attention. She seemed to think I was beyond petrified and wanted to hold her hand! I didn’t know how to get her to look down….I imagined all of the dogs in the neighbourhood finding out about it; I’d be the laughing stock of the village. I needed to do something, pick them up and hide them before the vet noticed…
I moved slowly towards the edge of the table and finally got my back end far enough across that gravity did the rest. I slid off the table and onto the floor before anyone could stop me. Using all of my stealth abilities, I flicked my tail in their direction and they soared through the air towards me before anyone noticed. Unfortunately, Mum was still looking at the vet when she bent down, picked me up to put me back onto the table so she did not noticed what was strewn across my head. In my attempt to sweep them under the table, they had in fact landed on top of my head.
It was too late…….Mum and the vet had finally stopped talking and both looked in my direction at the same time. Mum gasped and slapped her hand across her mouth, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red, the vet’s eyes grew as large as saucers and his eyebrows receded into his hairline and there I sat on the veterinary table with a giant pair of Mum’s purple knickers sitting on my head, my ears poking out through the leg holes like a giant purple hat.
Mum had obviously not noticed that morning when getting dressed that the previous days underwear were still lurking in her jeans. Throughout the morning they had made their crafty way down her trouser leg, poised until the perfect moment to drop presented itself. That moment it turned out had been 2 seconds prior to having my annual injection at the vets.
So I would like to take this moment to thank those purple pants from the bottom of my heart for postponing the inevitable injections, if only for a short while. In Mum’s horror, she had lifted me from the table and fled from the vets room with such speed that the purple knickers had flown from my head and landed smack bang in the middle of the coffee table in the vets waiting room, right amidst copies of Dog Today and Womans Own.
Jay the Knicker Wearing Pooch
One voice is powerful…….a chorus of voices are a powerhouse!
I am one lucky dog to be loved, cared for, fed and given shelter. I am lucky, but thousands of dogs and cats are not as lucky as me. There are hundreds of thousands of animals in rescue shelters and adoption centres who need your support.
Do not dimiss this cause because you are not in a position to give a pet a home. There are so many ways that people can help…..and it is not a gift, it is a duty. Animals cannot speak for themselves, but if they could they would ask for the most basic things in life.
To be loved….
You can give your time, you money, your support….but more importantly, you can give your voice. Make people aware, spread the message, get onboard and be the person that you were put on this earth to be.
Already Rescued Jay xxxx
Hiss and Boo!!! Mum has changed our food and I am not impressed.
We were having lovely meaty chunks until a week ago when for reasons only known to humans, Mum brought home a big bag of rock hard coloured ‘food’. As Ellie would quite literally eat poo on a stick if Mum fed it to her, she has not batted an eyelid at the change in our dietry sustenance. I on the other hand am slightly more refined and am not so easily hoodwinked by the bone and fish shaped colours that quite frankly taste like bird seed!!
I have tried this morning going on strike and simply staring at my bowl, giving Mum a distainful look and going to sit in my bed whilst Ellie gorges herself. Note to self: do not try again this evening as Mum simply put uneaten food back into bag……..
Starvin’ Marvin Jay xxx
It’s been nearly 4 years since my very first blog post…so I thought I would re-blog the story that started it all off…….Enjoy!!
It’s Sunday night and all is well in the world…..the calm after the storm you might say! Chaos reigned for no less than 48 hours, but the tears have stopped (thank God!), the panic’s over and I’m back up there in the good books again. I mean, it wasn’t actually my fault at all! How was I to know it would cause such a commotion? So I went out for a walk by myself…big deal. It’s not exactly show stopping news now is it? A little me time, to take in the sights without Ellie shouting down my ear or having to stop and talk to people every ten minutes. Okay I’ll admit maybe, I should have mentioned to someone that I was going. It’s just that the gap in the front door was like an open invitation to me…kind of like when someone throws a ball across a field and an instinctive urge comes over you to chase it….I’m really not to blame here!
So anyway….It all happened on Friday night just after 6.00pm. I popped out the front door and took a left at the alleyway, heading down towards the side street. I did feel a bit mean walking past that odd looking black dog who always has his nose and left eye poking out from under the gate. I don’t think he gets out too much. Him and Ellie usually have a screaming match every time they see each other, but he just looked a bit forlorn as I sauntered past. Needless to say I didn’t stop to chat!
Now I should mention that at this point, I did sort of hear my Mum shouting my name from the house. I say shouted! It was actually more of a pitiful wail like someone torturing a hyena with a blunt spoon! But in my defence, she does have a tendency to over react slightly. Like the time we went for a “family” walk in the woods. Now I could tell we were going uphill at a considerable rate, but no one listens to me when I try to explain. It’s always “be quiet Jay” or “shhh, I’m trying to think Jay”…..well don’t mind me, think away! Less than an hour later we were perched on the top of a hill with a sheer drop down one side and a mass of bushes down the other. Oh yes…..they listen when they need me! “Get us down the hill Jay”, “I’ll sit on my ass and slide down while you go ahead and tackle the brambles“…gee great thinking!
Anyway..back to my evening stroll. The smell of chips urged me on so I headed towards the chip shop. I glanced back just before turning the corner. Mum must have seen me, because she was flailing her arms about like a demonic scarecrow. Who knew she could run so fast? We sometimes play a game on the beach where I run ahead and she chases me, so naturally I took that assumption…. Game On! I bolted in the opposite direction with the full force of the wind behind me (probably caused by the beef in gravy dinner!). I zoomed past two fields full of sheep. Very suspicious looking sheep I might add. I have a deep rooted sheep phobia. Highly unusual I know, but there it is. I headed down towards the bicycle track that goes across the estuary. I’ve always wanted to go down that grassy bank and onto the sand when the tides out. It was absolutely full of seagulls and swans. I’m not usually allowed, but Mum was nowhere to be seen at this point so I thought “a quick look won’t hurt”.
Wow, those birds are nasty. Now I’m quite a friendly chap and I meant no harm, I just wanted to see them up close. I walked across to a flock of them and smiled. I find it quite difficult to smile without my teeth showing, It looks more like a sinister toothy grin and I think that’s how the birds must have taken it. The next minute I’ve got one of them attached to my butt by its beak, two others flapping ferociously by my head and a third actually spitting at me. How rude! It actually seemed like quite an adventure up until that moment. But the worst was yet to come.
I finally managed to detach the demented swan from my butt with some savvy tail chasing and decided that I’d had quite enough adventure for one evening. My good intention to head back home and sneak in unnoticed was somewhat thwarted by my distinct lack of tracking abilities. Before I knew it I was stranded in the middle of a field surrounded by a million killer sheep……..okay so a million may be a bit of an exaggeration, but they were definitely killer sheep! The type that carry shovels and pick axes discretely hidden under their woolly exteriors. My fear of sheep is unmatched, especially in the breed of being a Border Collie (we are known universally as Sheep Dogs!). Needless to say I panicked……they were most definitely bleating something that resembled “Baaa Baaa Q” “Baaa Baaa Q”. I had to think on my feet, which is not easy when fear sets in. Then I had an idea, I’d seen it once on a film Mum watched. The one where that pig talks to the sheep and they do exactly what he says. Now if a pig can do it….I’m a dead cert. I stared the leader straight in the eye (he only had one!) and said “Baa Ram Ewe……Baa Ram Ewe”…… and you won’t believe this but it actually worked.
With a look of horror in their eyes they started to back off, some even turned and ran. I was home free….saved by that pig in the film. That’s when I felt a blast of hot, stinking breath rush past me. I heard him before I saw him…..the biggest, ugliest, smelliest Bull you have ever seen. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever run that quick…..sod getting home, I just wanted to escape with my life. I didn’t look back, I just ran. And would you believe it; I ran around the corner and there she was in the distance. I’d found my Mum! The scene was like something from a B rated love film where the 2 people run in slow motion towards each other….me bounding and shouting…Mum running and waving, tears streaming down her face and the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Well, it started off as a smile…but as we got closer her face slowly contorted into that of a wild eyed maniac. Now I know that she was just beyond relieved to have found me…apparently I’d been gone for over 3 hours…who knew. She hugged me so tightly….a little to tightly to be honest. But I was found….I never really knew that I was lost.
Tired From Thinking About It Jay xxxx
Before writing some of my blogs, I often do some research on the internet to see what’s happening in the world (just in case I’m missing out on anything super cool!!) I have this week come across something very strange known as The Google Glasses (Project Glass). It would appear that humans are to wear this odd contraption on their heads and have instant access to news, weather, music and other applications.
It may be because I am a dog and do not understand the inner workings of the human mind, but this seems a little Total Recall to me (Ohhh I love Arnie….) I can just imagine the day when Mum no longer needs to take me for a walk, as she straps some Google Glasses onto my head, sticks me on a treadmill and off I go….under the sorry illusion that I am in fact walking in the Welsh valleys on a warm, barmy day (as opposed to being in my living room facing a white wall).
Although, these glasses may be a welcome addition for Ellie…..I could stick them on her face, put the tennis on and tell her to watch the ball….that should keep her busy for hours, if not days…
The Future Is Calling Jay xxx